I’m smiling at the future with a full-forward “hello”
And it has the nerve to smile back to me
I’ve always favored symmetry,
But never favored reason,
Yet there’s something in its smile that was
Crooked, full of wile
Something pungent, something vile
I haven’t got the nerve, yet,
To step down
Throughout journies, I’ve found a fancy
A delight in walking backward
It’s a beautiful sight to see the world coming straight at you –
At you, as in charging
As in merging in the margins
They are filled with beef and jargon,
Loaded facts and pasts and advice that no one would dare to listen to
You cannot learn from the mistakes of others
You cannot un-cliché a clichéd world
One where we scream about reality
Where we proclaim our fatality
One where we smile at the future,
Where we’re nurtured,
Where the sun kisses and the wind bites
Where our saints die and live to spite
And this future, without knowing us
Without sighting us or showing us
Can fancy us with plain beguile
By flashing a sweet, soft smile
By tricking us to tripping
Ticking forward, we’re all slipping
Into the future nonetheless
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey xantham_gum,
IMHO, it took you way too long to reach your destination. There's a lot of trimming that needs to be done. A modified version follows.
I smile at the future,
and it has the nerve to smile back.
While I’ve always favored symmetry,
something in its smile was crooked,
full of wile, and I haven’t got the nerve (or the brains)
to step down.
I’ve found delight in walking backwards.
It’s a beautiful sight to see the world coming straight at you –
as in charging, as in merging in the margins,
filled with beef and jargon...
Loaded facts and pasts
that no one listens to anyway.
It's funny, but here we scream about reality,
where we proclaim our fatality.
It is where we smile at the future.
And it can fancy us with plain beguile
by flashing a sweet, soft smile,
by tricking us to tripping,
ticking forward, but we’re all nonethless
slipping into its grasp.
Hopefully that will give you a different way of viewing the piece.
Best of luck,
Brad
nice rythym, nice rhyme. im a little unclear on what you were actually talking about, but this is a cool and thoughtful poem.
...
um....
Well then i...
Pretty stuff!
Things that worked
At you, as in charging
As in merging in the margins
-I've said that over and over in my head, I love the way it sounds. Similarly,
Yet there’s something in its smile that was
Crooked, full of wile
Something pungent, something vile
and
And this future, without knowing us
Without sighting us or showing us
Things that didn't work
Loaded facts and pasts and advice that no one would dare to listen to
-This seemed too long and didn't really flow or fit in. Try splitting it into two lines?
Overall, I really liked this.
Yet there’s something in its smile that was
Crooked, full of wile
Something pungent, something vile
For some reason, these lines feel really awkward to me. I tried editing it a little, but nothing I do really works. I don't like the second line at all, and the repetition in the third seems unnecessary, but I'm not sure how to fix that.
Throughout journies, I’ve found a fancy
It's "journeys".
At you, as in charging
As in merging in the margins
You don't need the "as ins". I would rewrite this as "Charging, merging in the margins" (since you already have "at you" in the preceding line)
Loaded facts and pasts and advice that no one would dare to listen to
I suggest splitting this after "advice"
I can't think of anything else to critique. Great job! :thumb: